An action movie will be played as a Guys Night Out.

The title of the movie will be announced a few days in advance.

 

For more information, contact Bob Turnage.

 

What began as a potato growing scheme has somehow become legal permission tae get yer baps oot in public.

 

Scotland is in a state of pure confusion this morning after ministers officially approved a brand new nationwide initiative titled “Titties for Cities.” What began as a routine policy review has now spiralled into the most baffling government announcement since the time someone accidentally approved a seagull compensation scheme.

 

According to several mortified civil servants, this was never the intention. The initiative was supposed to be “Tatties for Cities”, a wholesome agricultural scheme aimed at boosting Scotland’s potato production to keep up with national demand for chips, mash, crisps, and the millions of tattie scones sold every week across the country. The plan was simple, transform rundown, vacant and derelict patches of land in Scotland’s cities into community potato plots that would help feed the nation.

 

But thanks to one catastrophic spelling error, swapping a for i, the proposal went forward as “Titties for Cities.” And somehow, unbelievably, not a single committee, councillor or minister noticed.

 

By the time someone finally twigged, the policy had already been approved unanimously, allocated funding, printed on glossy brochures, translated into Gaelic, and announced at a press conference where everyone politely pretended the name was completely normal.

 

And now, because the motion passed exactly as written, Scotland has accidentally created the first fully legal “get yer baps oot” initiative in Europe, provided, technically, that it’s done “for city development purposes.”

 

It is now expected that, with the freedom of the nipple for all being granted entirely by accident, and the weather sitting at a baltic minus three, A&E departments may soon see a rise in injuries caused by cold nips taking folk’s eyes oot. Doctors have already warned the public to “mind where ye’re pointing them.”

 

Meanwhile, potato farmers are raging. One Perthshire grower put it perfectly: “We just wanted more freedom tae plant tatties. Noo the whole country might run oot o’ mash for Burns Supper because somebody made a spelling mistake.”

 

Government officials are scrambling to quietly amend the paperwork, but insiders say it’s “far too late”, the posters are printed, the banners are hung, and the hashtag #TittiesForCities is now officially unstoppable.

 

So instead of revitalising Scotland’s abandoned plots with potatoes, the nation now finds itself with a legally approved public nipple initiative that was absolutely never meant to exist.

 

We aimed for agriculture.

 

We got nipples.

 

===============

 

 

An action movie will be played as a Guys Night Out.

The title of the movie will be announced a few days in advance.

 

For more information, contact Bob Turnage.

An action movie will be played as a Guys Night Out.

The title of the movie will be announced a few days in advance.

 

For more information, contact Bob Turnage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Question: How many days in a week?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: Tied shoes.

 

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her tax returns.

 

 

 

 

The accountant says, "Well, before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

 

 

 

 

 

 

He gets her name, address etc and then asks,"What's your occupation?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

 

 

 

 

 

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re phrase that."

 

 

 

 

 

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

 

 

 

 

 

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They both think for a minute; then the woman says,

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm an elite poultry farmer."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The accountant asks, "Excuse my ignorance but what does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

 

 

 

 

 

"Well, believe it or not, I must have raised a thousand cocks last year."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Poultry Farmer it is then !!

 

 

 

=============

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A man has a terrible car accident - numerous heavy bruises, a concussion, deep cuts, blood loss, and he goes into deep shock.

 

 

 

But the worst thing is his penis has been chopped off during the car accident.

 

 

 

He awakens days later in the hospital. Most of his injuries have been treated, all his wounds cleaned, dressed, and on pain killers.

 

 

 

 

The doctor comes to check on him after several more days. He explains that the man is recovering nicely, with the exception of losing his penis.

 

 

 

 

 

The man is partly relieved that he is recovering from such a major accident but greatly upset over losing his ability to have sex. He just knows that his wife will be also.

 

 

 

 

The doctor think for a while, and he promises to investigate what is possible. For many days, while the man is recovering in the hospital, the doctor is reviewing multiple medical journals.

 

 

 

Days later, the man is checking out of the hospital, though he still has along way to go to recover from the injuries.

 

 

During the checkout, the doctor appears and explains he has found out about a new experimental procedure that can grow an artificial penis but using human tissue and it can be surgically attached. With luck, the body will accept it and with therapy, the penis can behave and perform naturally.

 

 

 

 

 

ALSO - you should know the surgical procedure is expensive, and it becomes more expensive depending on the size and length of the penis to be transplanted - about $1-2,000 per inch of the penis.

 

 

 

 

 

 

AND LAST, as the procedure is experimental, insurance will not cover the surgery or therapy.

 

 

 

 

 

Thus, a”normal sized” penis could cost $15-25,000.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

The man agrees to discuss this with wife and make a decision. After about two weeks, the man makes an appointment with the doctor.

 

 

 

 

 

The doctor says: So, have you made up your mind and decided what to do?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, the man says.

 

 

 

 

 

The doctor asks: What are do you going to do?

 

 

 

 

 

The man looks down at the floor and then sadly says:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=============

 

 

 

 

 

 

An action movie will be played as a Guys Night Out.

The title of the movie will be announced a few days in advance.

 

For more information, contact Bob Turnage.

An action movie will be played as a Guys Night Out.

The title of the movie will be announced a few days in advance.

 

For more information, contact Bob Turnage.